What's the difference between Liverpool and a teabag? A teabag stays in a cup longer!!!!!

What does a Liverpool fan do when they win the cup?He turns off the play station!!!

What is a minimum? A small mother!!!!!

Why are guards so strong? Because they hold up the traffic!!!

Why did the ghost not get a drink? Because they don't sell spirits!!

The man who made it , never used it, the man who used it never saw it: what was it-A coffin!!!

What do you call a lamb with a machine gun? Lambo!!!!!!!!!!

What did the sausage said to the other sausage?I'll batter you!!

What's small, green, leafy and goes camping? A boy sprout!!!!

What is black, white and green?A zebra with a runny nose!!!!!

What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.!!

I asked my teacher would I get in trouble for something I didn't do. He said no. So I said good, because I didn't do my homework.!!!

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!!!!

What do you call Santa with long nails?Santa Claws!!!!!

What type of biscuit can fly? A plane biscuit!!!!!!!!

Why could the car not play football? Because it only had one boot!!!

Why was the basketball player not invited to dinner?Because he dribbles too much !!!!

Why were the flies playing football in a saucer? They were practising for the cup!!!!

What's an insects favourite game? Cricket!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doctor, Doctor, can you give me something for the wind?Sure take this kite!!!!!!

What happens if you mix a kangaroo and a sheep?You get a woolly jumper!!!!

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because his skin was peeling off!!!!!

What did one germ say to the other germ at the film set?See you at the director's cut!!!!

What is the monster's favourite game?Swallow the leader!!!!

What do you get when you cross a sheepdog and a rose? A colliflower!!!!!

What do you call a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite!!!!!!

What do you call a werewolf and a fairy? Hairy fairy!!!!!!!

What do you find up a clean nose? Fingerprints!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did the snooker player go to the bathroom? To pot the brown!!!!

Why did the skeleton go to the Chinese? For Spare ribs!!!!!!

Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop!!!!

Paddy English man, Paddy Scotsman, Paddy fatman were on a plane. Paddy Englishman said-God bless England, Paddy Scotsman said-God bless Scotland, Paddy Fatman said-God bless the person I land on!!!!!

Why could the skeleton not get into the disco?
Because the skeleton had nobody to go with!!!!

Why is 8 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9!!!

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
You open the door!!
How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
You take the giraffe out!!

What did the skeleton said to the toilet?
You will get nothing out of me!!!

What do you call a man with no legs?
Call him anything, he won’t come to you!!!

How do you make golden soup?
Put 24 carrots into it!!!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens weren’t invented!!!

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Scotsman were in a line for the toilet. One toilet was haunted. Paddy Englishman said-I’m not afraid of any ghosts. He went into the toilet. The ghost came out and said-I’m the ghost of Michael Moon, put a fiver on the spoon. Paddy Englishman put a fiver on the spoon. Paddy Scotsman did the same. Paddy Irishman went into the toilet. The ghost came out and said-I’m the ghost of Michael Moon,put a fiver on my spoon. Paddy Irishman said-well I’m the ghost of David Crocket, put a tener in my pocket. He took the 2 fivers and ran!!!!!!!!

Why did the jelly wobble?
Because he saw the milk shake!!!

What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey!!!!

Waiter, waiter, this soup tastes funny?
Then why aren’t you laughing!!!!

How do you make an egg roll?
You push it!!!

Why did Mickey Mouse go into space?
He wanted to find Pluto!!!!!

Why are stars like false teeth?
They both come out at night!!!!

What goes up and never goes down?
Your age!!!!

Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!!!!

Why did the teacher write on the windows?
She wanted the lesson to be very clear!!!!

Why did they build a wall around the graveyard?
Because people are dying to get in!!!!!

What did the spider  do on the computer?
Made a website!!!!!

What animal shouldn’t you play cards with?
A Cheetah!!!!

What did the fireman’s wife get for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking!!!!!

What exam do young witches have to pass?
A Spelling test!!!!!

What did the alien say to the garden?
Take me to your weeder!!!!

What do you call a cow eating grass in a field?
A Lawn moo-er!!!!!!!

Where do bulls get their messages?
On a bull-etin board!!!!

Why did Westlife’s plane crash?
Because they were flying without wings!!!!

What’s the smartest animal?
The snake-noone can pull his leg!!!!!

What did the Garda say to his tummy?
You’re under a vest!!!!

I have 5 eyes,3 green ears and a yellow nose,what am I?
Very ugly!!!!

Why didn’t the little pig listen to his dad?
He was just an old boar!

Where do frogs borrow money?
From the riverbank!!!!

Why did the ball go deaf?
Because of all the racket!!!

Why did the elephant eat the candle?

He wanted a light snack!!!!!

What’s the laziest mountain in the world?
Mount Ever-rest!!!!!!